Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Lesson learned, life goes on. I had a great opportunity to explore my childhood world as well as to taste the teenager me-against-the-world moment. I was a chubby, a cutie pie, but an active, free-spirited kid. Having no regrets, I will be continuing any of lessons in life.
I remembered my childhood quite well and it makes me nervous. Some of the talents and cuteness of me have gone. I’m surprised that life has been changing me so much on any level. People I met, friends I known and things I liked – they remain in the past, and only a little of those is with me today. I keep asking myself; how did I do that? When did I start to do that? Who was that? What had got me attracted to those peeps? Why did I like that? This, I believe, is the reason why life is an amusing, roller coaster ride.
I was a badass. Recalling the kindergarten era, I was restricted to go out to play at night (until now, can you believe it?). At the time, it was a trend to play under the moonlight, after the sunset prayer, in the housing complex. Super important note: We played with the nature, traditional games, touching the dirt and grounds – not a digital game situation. Anyway, a few times I could not handle the tendency to play with my friends as they called out my name outside the house. So there I went! I stepped on my dad’s car, climbed up and down the fence and, voila, I was out playing with fellow kids in the neighborhoods. A few hours later my mom found out I wasn’t in the home, she searched me. I run away to my neighbor’s garden, hid from her and my babysitter, walked backwards to keep out from her sight with the help of the bushes and small trees in the garden, then I fell off to a fish pond. Damn, I had no idea there was a fish pond. Well, bad girl reaped what she just did.
I was twice a badass. I kicked my guy friends in their butt, literally. Fought anyone in the neighborhood who messed with my brothers – they were still some kids, while I (thought I was a grown up, but actually) was just an older kid. I climbed a tree on the edge of a river, and hung out there with fellow female friends while waiting for the sunset. At the time, there was a boy nearby the house who had a crush on me, but he was so mischievous to all of his friends, in a bad way. Besides, I never liked him and his thug attitude. So I slapped his face, kicked his legs and yelled at him to go to hell. Really.
I adored drawing – Focused on women illustrations, Sailor Moon, and dresses. If I could find my old school books, you might see what I did there: Big drawings and sketches on its every blank corners and papers. When I was in junior high school, I asked my mom whether I could study fashion design or other things related to drawings. She (and my dad) took it for granted and I was given sweet promises. Maybe they thought I never listen and saved to my heart what they said, but I did. Until I graduated senior high and got the words that I wasn’t allowed to study fashion design, I gave up my drawings. Now, the pencil, paper and my hands don’t go along very well.
I sang and danced Bollywood (and Britney Spears). No, I was and am not embarrassed – even though I don’t have the vocal and choreography qualities, but I got the nerves to do it. You have to admit, not everyone who actually love Bollywood movies and dances would tell the world that they do. Oh, and Britney Spears was hella awesome back in the days. I scrolled my tee to my growing teen breasts so I could display my belly button and hips while moving to the “You Drive Me Crazy” and “Hit Me Baby One More Time” catchy tunes; while looked at the mirror and mimicking the lyrics to Britney, my belly fat was in motion against the gravity. I felt like a rockstar in an instant. Thank you, Britney, for making my childhood super awesome!
I was a master (home) chef junior. In my 5th grade of elementary school, I beautifully made stir fried kangkung, fried tempeh and tofu, Javanese fried chicken and, the cherry on top, sambal terasi (shrimp paste chili sauce). It was not impossible, I watched and helped my mother cooked and prepared meals quite often. This thing I learned, I gotta get my own future children to do the same while they are still kids though.
I was a WNBA player and a cyclist. Not really had that WNBA skill though. Well, I joined the basketball student club in junior high just because I loved NBA, still do. I was quite tall compare to other friends at school, thus I was entitled as a center in my team. When we’re at a game, my friends called me a “crusher”. Well, I liked to steal the ball, hit the foe team’s shoulders if they tried to beat me down, and passed the ball to the shooting guard or forward. Oh, I rode my bike everyday to school, and put the ball in my bike’s basket. I think I was kind of fiercely cool, weren’t I?
I played drums, throwing the hand-horns, and was a (amateur) make-up artist. Forming a band, playing some punk pop songs, learned to play drums and advanced it, and performed on stage with a-la Japanese cosplay wardrobes. I dyed my hairs out of my curiosity under my veil, listened to head-banging bands and went out to the moshpit – local gigs and international musicians, then experienced fancy drinks and getting stoned. While my other teens at my age went to some hype pubs and bars, I slipped to the underground zone. The rest was history, but a great one. Did I tell you that I do make-up for friends, for casual party or cosplay too? I’ve been thinking to register to a make-up class in the near future. This would make a good side job and learn how to do business.
I am wondering, what will I reflect about my 20-something life at the time I reach 30s?
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Deep thoughts have been hanging in my mind in the past few days. I have doubted something, and I am. I tried hard to relax my mind and think positive, think happy thoughts. But still, it lingers.
It feels like my bravery is drop. My wittiness goes somewhere random. My confidence is up in the air, unreachable. And my trust a bit fades away. It's critical. The world knows me as a dorky, geeky,common girl who has always been buried in her thoughts and judgements. It is not me against the world -- it is me against my mind, which sometimes goes by itself. It makes me not a loner, but a person who locks herself out of the world and converse with her own self.
What am I feeling right now? How could I feel this? Where did this come from? Why do I have a second thought? I just... this is, I can't do this alone. Just tonight, I got to see the city lights from the highways. It made my mind wandering, and again, I was locked. I could not speak. The more my eyes glanced at the lamps and lights in the yellow, red-ish beams, the more I felt down.
So often my loved ones told me to speak, to tell people of what I think and feel; to say out loud about my opinion. That has improved, I became better in letting people hear my voices. I liked it. But this time, I sealed my lips, crossed my thought and glued my hands. I could not say whatever the heck I wanted, it wasn't fair and nice. I needed time to refresh my mind, initially. I needed to think all over again, about the stuff -- everything.
I don't know.
I guess, I'm just tired.
Tired with myself and fed up with how complex I am.
Jakarta, 10:25 pm.